Becoming a Master Over Your Addictions

I just caught myself. I caught myself online shopping. In my mind I was “just looking” at these amazing fabrics, handmade, ethical working conditions, natural fibers. Great company, supporting artisans in India.

And then I realized what was really going on. 

I’ve released so many addictive habits and behaviors over the years. 

The more apparent ones like substance abuse, avoidance through staying busy aka overdoing, watching the television, over working aka “following my heart in my paths work” and showing my kids to do the same. 

The one that’s hidden in the culture and shown as normal behavior. Shopping. 

I used to go to the store to zone out, I would shop for things I couldn’t afford to get the dopamine hit, the pleasure of finding a deal, of finding the cute shoes, outfit, purse. Oftentimes, after I came to, I would return the items. (Especially when I was in high school and college) 

I have an entire collection in my closet to prove it. 

But today, I’m more aware of my emotions, more aware of what’s going on for me. I know that this is one of my last addictive behaviors. And I’m currently on a very tiny island in the Indian Ocean off the coast of Mozambique with inhabitants that don’t have the luxury of online shopping when they are stressed. If they do, it costs EXTRA for shipping. And I don’t even know if they have a post system. I watched many kids carrying boxes of supplies on their heads down the length of the beach back to their village yesterday. 

I realized that this online shopping is not a behavior for all humans. To go to their phones and search for things. This is for only a specific group of individuals. 

I caught myself in the act. 

I paused and noticed that I am currently fairly uncomfortable in the lodging accommodations for this last leg of our trip. I am uncomfortable, so I am looking to be comfortable by shopping for something that my mind tells me is good and nice.

It doesn’t look like it does online, the lodge that is. Go figure. How many things really do?

I’m sure I’ll meet this situation again one day, afterall, I am in a human form, and I do human things, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll catch myself again. And then, maybe one day, the urge will not even rise to turn to my phone for support.